This past weekend there was a tragedy in Southern California. Rick and Kay Warren (Lead Pastors of
Saddleback Church) lost their 27 year old son to suicide resulting from mental illness. I haven't met the Warren's personally, but I have been to their church, followed their ministry, and read their books. I know that people have all kinds of opinions, but when it comes to someone losing a child, there is a common compassion that any parent would hurt for another in their time of grieving.
This painful tragedy has sparked a lot of support from the Christian community in general. There is an understanding that when one hurts, we all hurt. But of course, it has also come with judgement which is a shame, since all there should be is love.
Take that even a step further for anyone who serves in full-time ministry.
There is this idea that the pastor's family somehow is immune to the same pain that the parishioner's family suffers. Dear readers, I speak from experience: not only is this misconception untrue, it is generally the opposite.
Growing up as a pastor's kid in Southern California, I know first-hand the pressure that is put on children whose parents are in ministry. My dad wasn't a top-selling author nor did he have a following that would equal the size of a mega-church, but we were raised with the understanding that the world was watching us and we needed to be the people who they thought we were. My parent's put the pressure on, but the people of the church also expected more from us.
This belief took its toll on my parent's marriage and the way they parented myself and my brothers. Their relationship was on the verge of destruction most of the time, but no one on the "outside" was allowed to know. Just like all things done in private, the ugly truth was finally exposed and after 20 years in the ministry my father left the church, our family, and even his faith for awhile. I am not excusing his behavior, nor blaming anyone else. I am saying that it was in this time of some of the hardest pain of my life, the church as I knew it let us down. There were a few that stepped up, but mostly we were left to fend for ourselves and figure out what to do next on our own.
I understand this this is partly generational, but it still exists. Now I have my own children and my husband and I are in our own ministries. We are not the lead pastors of a church, but we were raised to lead, and since that is where our giftings lie, we do. And I struggle with it sometimes. I remember the pain of my childhood and I know that Satan preys on those who are called to live radically and dare to be world-changers.
I am also aware of how relentlessly the enemy privately attacks those who minister publicly.
A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:13
As a mommy and a blogger I am also aware of the eyes that are looking at me as I talk about my marriage and parenting very openly online. I do count the cost. As I count,
I know that it is still worth it. But even as I know the eternal wins out over the temporal,
the temporal can still be painful.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18
Beth Moore wrote an emotional post after she heard of the passing of Matthew Warren, citing her anger at how some Christian bullies will use this pain as a pedestal for their "attacks."
She summed up her
article with this statement:
I love the Body of Christ. I don’t want to get cynical. I don’t want to sit around and hate the haters or I become one. But this morning I just want to say this. We can love each other better. Let’s do. People have enough hurt. Let’s be careful with one another.
We all hurt. None of us is immune to the pain that accompanies residency in this world. My family still suffers from the hurt of the expectations of the church. I have two brother's whose indescribable pain may never heal on this earth. But we press on. Because we believe our God is greater.
He goes before us.
He will never leave us.
I pray that the Warrens will continue to feel the love and support from the church worldwide. For this is how it should be.
May the words of those who understand grace be the loudest. And as you sit under your pastor this weekend, pray for his family. Pray for his marriage, his children, and his spirituality.
For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. Ephesians 6:12
Ann Voskamp summed up her thoughts on mental illness and the church in this post you can read here.